Blended Thoughts

About a month ago a friend of mine challenged me to write a blog by the end of what was that week. I clearly didn’t complete that challenge on time but I’m thankful for it because without it I probably wouldn’t be writing this write now. I’ve been meaning to get back into blogging, but what are good intentions without action? I guess sometimes it takes being challenged to move towards what we want in our lives.

Its been about a year and a half since I wrote my last blog. One would think that after all this time, all the experiences that make up life, I’d be over-flowing with inspiration and ready to share all of the life lessons, breath taking moments, and profound insights I’ve experienced since my last key-board composition. But, alas here I sit wondering what direction to take this blank slate of a computer screen that sits before me.

I moved back to Colorado this last June to take a new job at the school I attend right out of highschool. Colorado I known for snow and while we’ve already had two snows this year, today is the first day that Colorado has truly opened its skies and let its first, heavy, unwavering snowfall come down, at least where I live. It’s been snowing since I woke up this morning and now as I sit at my desk, with the sun going down and the temperature getting colder, the snow continues to fall even harder.

I’ve always liked snow. Maybe it’s because of the fact that I’m from Minnesota and growing up a winter without snow was as odd as a seeing a street corner in Minneapolis without a Lutheran church. Today, however, the snow resounded with me on more than just a nostalgic level. Today, there was something reassuring about the ease in which the snow fell, and with steady and consistency blanketed the earth. It didn’t have to try to do that, it didn’t have to work for it, it just fell, each flake after another, and it was so peaceful, so graceful, and quite too.

Coming on staff at my new job has been very challenging. Nearly, every day I wake up and feel like the day is so much bigger than me, beyond my abilities and capacities. At the end of the day I often go to bed exhausted, feeling like I have nothing left to give. On the other hand, I love what I’m doing and find so much fulfillment in it  – in the relationships I’m building, in the classes I get to teach, in seeing students learn and grow, and the fact that I’m learning and growing because of them. However, it still remains that I feel like this job is beyond me; yet, I think that’s exactly how God would have it. If I felt like I had this job handled, that I could wake up every day and face it on my own, in my own strength and abilities, where would my need for God be? How would he fit into the picture? Just some convenient tagline to my day, a clever hashtag? Instead, everyday, sometimes what seems like every moment I’m having to turn to Him to ask for help. I feel like this year has been yet another year in helping, or forcing because of necessity, me to put into action all the head knowledge I have about God that I’ve been storing up my whole life. Its one thing to now something it’s another to live it and I’m learning very quickly that I can’t do this job or live this life with out all that God gives me. He is more than a God who just wants to help us he is a God who wants to do it all.

The reason the snow was so meaningful for me today was because it served as reminder to slow down, rest, and relax. And that’s exactly what I did - I made a coffee, went into my office and started to write. In that slowing down, in the pensiveness it resulted in, I was remind that God has got me and although this has been a crazy couple of months, and may get even crazier, he will continue to hold me, care for me, and sustain me. So, as the snow consistently and peacefully fell today so will God’s love consistently fall on us, pursuing us, asking us to live in the peace he offers.

“My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Cor. 12:9

In Conclusion...

It's nearly done. My time in New Zealand; nine and a half months; 283 days; some ridiculous amount of hours, minutes, and seconds; is nearly done. Tomorrow I'll board a plane in Christchurch that will take me to Auckland, then back to the busy and hectic world that is the USA - my true home.

This morning, I enjoyed my last back porch coffee and sunrise, said my hard good byes to the few students who were still at school, paid my respects on a final walk around the property, said good bye to the house that's been my home, and took one last trip into the tiny town of Geraldine where I boarded a shuttle that brought me here to Christchurch. I am still in New Zealand, but at this point I have left all the aspects that made my life down here my life. It's hard. It hurts.

I feel  like there is this deep well of joyful sorrow that is waiting to burst at any moment, and I'm just waiting for it to come. The tears didn't come two weeks ago when half the students left, and it didn't come today when I said goodbye to the other half of them, the staff, the school, and the town. Maybe they'll come tomorrow when I board a plane and leave the ground. Maybe not.

It's tough. You spend nine months of your life investing yourself into the lives of people, a church, a program and atmosphere that you hope is healthy and thriving. You pour into relationships - letting yourself be seen and earning the trust of others so that you can see them. You open yourself up and get close, get honest, and let your true colors, the pretty and the ugly, show You leave the comforts and tendencies of your old surroundings to get comfortable in your new one and then you say goodbye only to do it again. You give so much and end up loving so deeply. Then, although you know it's coming, it ends, and just like that it's done.

You love every minute of your experience though. Even though your pour yourself out and have to say goodbye in the end, you cherish what your time here was.  Every challenge, every question as to what drove you to move 6,000 miles away from home, every doubting moment of how am I going to handle this, the wrestling that comes with pursuing growth. While its hard now, it's all worth it. All the energy, time, love that was given and taken, whether a two way street or not,  you have no desire to trade it back. It is in loving and giving of ourselves, in looking past our own comfort and what we want, that we truly begin to experience life as we were created to.

I'm excited about going home. I'm nervous too though. I'm curious to see how the transition goes from living in a tiny town where there are probably 50 times more sheep than people, and not a no cell phone or a car to busy, fast paced America where everyone wants a piece of your time and stillness and quiet is as foreign of an idea as life before Facebook. How will summarize and present in a nice, single size, five minute serving how nine months in another country was when people ask?  In coming down here I feel like I put my life back home on pause, but I know that's not the case at all - everyone has gone on living quite happily. I wonder how its going to be picking up relationships again? Will I have any one to relate to about my experience? Then again, I had heaps of questions about moving down here and it all worked out "sweet as." I'm very excited to see my family and friends again.

One last thought... seeing how the students grew and changed this year spoke to me in huge volumes of God's active and faithful involvement in our lives. They truly took ownership or their relationship with him and sought Him out whether that was through class, reading the Bible on their own, prayer, discussion, probably all of the above. I realize that growth is a part of everyone's life and that often times people change their behavior to match their surroundings, conviction of convenience if you please, but the change that took place in the students lives this year is a lot deeper and a lot bigger than some sort of surface altering, self help based, human effort.

God is active in our lives. He changes us and grows, especially when we give Him the permission to have the reigning role in our lives that we're better off with him having anyway. Often times we miss out on him because our expectations of who he is or how he should act towards us is incorrect, unhealthy, or even untrue. God wants to be known and the best thing anybody can do for themselves is to get to know God and fall in love with him. He has blessed us with so many ways to do that. It's not about behavior modification, trying your hardest to please God, being a diligent commandment keeper, or following the latest trend in Christian pop-culture. It's all about Jesus, knowing him, and loving him.  The rest will stem naturally from that

I am so grateful for the time I had hear in New Zealand.

Half Way

As I write this I am sitting in the library of a beautiful, tiny, mountain town called Hanmer Springs whose existence seems to stem from the hot springs its named after. It is beautiful town – surrounded by mountain, filled with pine trees, and cut in hallf by a single street that is considered down town. It is Chrismas Eve, but its sunny and about 75 degrees outside. My body is longing for the snow and cold of home and I'm missing my family; yet, those feelings are muddled an excitement that is building up in me as I am on the fresh side of a 20 day adventure that will be spent touring the coast of New Zealand with four other guys. My Christmas holiday is feeling more like summer break, but then again it is summer down here.

The semester has ended and it’s hard to believe that it’s over and that I’ve been down here for nearly four months. The time has flown by, as can be expected, but it has also been filled with those slow, ideal moments where it seems that nothing more needs to be added or taken away from the situation for it to be perfect. The semester has certainly been full too. Its been filled with the occasional trip on the weekend; a week away serving at a camp for grade schoolers; a school wide back packing trip, tons of campfires, games, and laughs; guy and girl nights that have included everything from rally racing to Iron Chef competitions; trips to the nearby river for swimming and hiking; and of course the typical routine of day to day life.

I think the highlight of my time down here has been the relationships I’ve gotten to form with the guys and the time I’ve been able to spend with them. We share heaps of crazy, typical guy moments like late night swimming on the coast, lighting things on fire, possum hunting with a water-balloon sling shot, rock climbing, and camping out, but we’ve also shared a lot of meaningful moments that are filled with honest conversation and depth. It has been a very cool experience to see these guys grow while they’ve been down here, both as individuals and in their relationship with the Lord. All the guys have a genuine desire to grow as men – to lead, serve and know the Lord – and that’s been a very encouraging thing to see. You always hear from teachers how neat it is to see a concept click in a students mind. I now know what there are talking about. However, as I look at this semester I don’t feel like I’ve seen the guys have one single click of clarity as much as its been a click that turns into a process of continual growth. That is the thing about discovering God’s love and grace – it’s not something that you realize once; it is a process of continually recognizing that there is nothing you can or can’t do to change how much God loves you. It is also the realization that there is nothing that you need to do to earn God’s love. All the love, grace and approval any one will ever need has been freely given to us through Jesus. 

This is what has clicked in the guys minds and this is the process that I’ve been privileged to walk with them through. It has been awesome to see how the Lord has worked not only in the lives of the guys but in the girls too. All the students have grown and changed over this last semester – some more than other and some in more obvious, outspoken ways, but the Lord has worked as he is faithful to do.

In all honesty, it has been a challenging semester, but because of that I feel it has been a rewarding semester; as it is in the challenges of life that we grow. Living in community is difficult; you can’t hide when you live with the same 18 people for 9 months. You quickly realize how selfish, impatient, and judgmental you are, but with realizations like that comes the opportunity to work on them and ultimately let the Lord work on you. So, even though I’m worn out from working and giving for what seems to have been all day since the semester began; I’m thankful for God’s faithfulness and goodness towards as he has sustained me and given me such an awesome opportunity in being here.

Inside

 I am settled yet longing.

This place has been so good to me. New Zealand, The Crossing, all of it. I came here worn out and broken after a long two years of college and an ended relationship. To an extent I am still in that place, a place of healing and recovery, searching and questioning, but at the same time I am finding my voice, my heart, and heaps of grace and love.

Coming here, to this quite, peaceful, giant house on a tiny island in the South Pacific, has given me the chance to ask hard questions, to look at myself, my actions, my tendencies, and wonder why in the world I do some of the things I do day in and day out; what are the issue deep inside of me that my behavior is rooted to? Why do I run from certain situations? Why do my insecurities keep me from engaging and why are those insecurities there in the first place? In essence, being here has given me the space to look at myself and ask in where, what, and who does my identity lie. It has also given me the chance to seek out God, plain and simple.

For awhile, I feel like I’ve known God without knowing him. My mind is full with all sorts of knowledge about who God is, but I feel like my heart is longing for an encounter with the God I know is true, but seems to be have been clouded out with words instead of experience. Maybe that’s just the emotional, meaning-seeking side of me that’s talking, but I know at the depth of who I am that there is this huge desire to personally know God, fall in love with him, and be loved by him. Being here has given me the time to realize this longing and express it to a God who is not only faithful to show up in his perfect timing, but who can handle my desires for an encounter with Him. I already feel like he has come through.

So, while this place has certainly been good to me, the one who has ultimately been good to me is the Lord. I hate saying things like that because I feel like they come across as trite and cliché but that is the reality of my situation, of all of our situations. It is because of God’s goodness and grace that I am here this year; that I have the time and space to ask and process through these questions; that a day of “work” looks like being outside, leading worship or a Bible study, and hanging out with students; that I have the opportunity to live in and explore New Zealand. On a bigger picture, it is because of God’s grace that I am here, that any of us our here; that I am able to enjoy a beautiful sunset, a cup of coffee, or a good conversation; that we have the capacity to love, to feel love, or even feel at all; that the seasons change; that we wake up – we don’t deserve any of this yet God so willingly lavishes us and sustains us with his grace every moment we are alive.

It is in this that I am settled- that I have a God who loves me and is forever graceful towards me; yet, it is in this that I am longing – that I would fall more in and more in love with Him, and truly, on a heart and personal level, know Him and continually give more and more of myself to Him.

About a month ago, I was sitting on the front lawn of the school at dusk. The lawn faces westward and it is to the west that one foothill builds upon another foothill, gradually building up to the hundreds of peaks that make up the Southern Alps of New Zealand. As I sat and watched the dwarfed mountains swallow up the setting sun, causing the gliding clouds to be react by turning yellow, then orange, then red, I reflected on the time I had already spent in NZ and anticipated the many months ahead. In that passing moment I remember thinking -  I needed this.

Mosquito Six and the Message

The problem with waiting a month to update my blog is that when I finally sit down to write it I’ve got heaps of thoughts in my mind that are wanting to come out on paper and its takes awhile to figure out where to take this thing…

I truly believe that every person on earth with was made with this space in their life that wants to be filled with significance and purpose. I am no stranger to this space as I feel like I have a monumental desire to be a person of significance. When I think about being significant I am not thinking about being some huge public icon, celebrity, well-known speaker, or something like that. In my life this desire takes the form of wanting to be significant in the lives of others, on a personal level. I want to make a positive difference in peoples lives - to challenge them, grow, them, care for them, remind them of the fact that they are important and full of potential.

In coming to New Zealand I’ve been given the perfect opportunity to pursue this desire of significance as the essential role of my job is to mentor the guys here. Like any dream or idea however there is always the challenge of making it a reality, putting it into practice. Practically, what does it look like for me to make a difference in the lives of the guys here? What does it take to earn the privilege to speak into their lives or even give them the impression that what I have to say to them is of any importance or weight?

Cliché sayings are cliché for a reason: they are true, and in my particular situation I’m realizing that actions really do speak louder than words. As I’ve thought about these questions I’m realizing that the truest way to impact these guys here and earn a role of significance in their lives is through the way I live and act. If the way I carry myself and treat others doesn’t match up with the words I’m saying or proclaiming to believe then my words will have no significance at all. And another cliché saying comes into play – practice what you preach. If there is a huge disconnect between the way I live my life and what I claim to believe then any platform of trust or respect is likely to be non-existent. This is particularly true in the realm of Christianity. In order for the world to have any interest in what we say from our mouths they need to first hear it from our actions. I am all too guilty of this.

One of the benefits of working at a Bible school is that I get to sit in on night classes when I’m done working for the day. The other week I got to hear a couple of lectures on the Beatitudes (Matthew 5-7). The biggest lesson I took away from it was the fact that the Beatitudes aren’t just another list of commandments or behaviors that Christians must strive to attain. Rather, they are a description of person whose heart has been surrendered to and changed by Christ. This isn’t a work that can be done by the individual alone, it isn’t set of behaviors that can be attained by hard work and determination; it is a transformation that is made possible by the life Jesus Christ in us. There is a huge amount of freedom in this. This truth can be connected to what I mentioned about living out what I believe. If changed behavior comes from allowing Jesus to consume and change your heart, then the most effective action we can take, that I can take, in being a person of significance is to pursue Jesus with reckless abandon.

I guess that’s what’s been on my mind and heart lately.

I am so glad that I made the decision to come down here. New Zealand is an incredible place and I’m a big fan of the laid back and simple lifestyle they have down here (that lifestyle might just because I live in the country surrounded by sheep). The school is going very well and its an awesome group of students. They’ve been here for about a month and they’ve meshed together really well. While it felt like everyone was friends right off the bat, it seems like it hasn’t been until this last week that students have really started to come out of their shells and go deeper in their relationships with one another.

Laughter, good times, and shenanigans have been anything short of lacking. We play a lot of games here and the guys are very good at being guys. We’ve had our shares of campfires that end with the guys dancing around the fire chanting like a bunch of Indians. Us guys have also made it a habit to go on a weekly night hunt on our property which consists of grapping a bunch of lawn tools like rakes and pitchforks and running around the property looking for animals. We’ve named our hunting party Mosquito Six and while most of our hunts are unsuccessful we did get an eel out of our pond. Rugby has been a pretty big part of the school year because of the Rugby World Cup being held here. New Zealands almighty All Blacks are quite the power house so as a school we’ve watched all their games which turns into a pretty big hoopla. We’ve definitely caught rugby fever at the school and we’ve played a few matches of our own in the afternoons – even the girls come out and play. Its loads of fun.

As a school we’ve gone on a couple of outings on the weekends. There is a camp ground about three miles from the school with a river running through it so there have been a couple of nights that we’ve gone up there to make a fire and hang out. This awesome older guy from town took us white bait fishing the other weekend on the coast. White bait is a super tiny, translucent fish that is something of a delicacy down here. The goal is to scoop them up by the hundreds with a big wire scoop the deep fry them and throw them on a burger. In our two hours of fishing we caught one. We’ve also gone to a nearby city called Timaru a few times. We got a good day of mini golf, playing on the playground, and picnicking on the beach in last weekend.

I’m very grateful to be here.

Sorry there are no pictures in this one. The internet is a bit of a different story down here than it is in the states...

Impressions

Where to begin? I live in New Zealand. The fact that I'm here is still so surreal. I'll have these moments where I'm doing something random like taking a walk or eating a meal, and it'll hit me that whatever it is I'm doing, I'm doing 6,000 miles away from home in this remarkable country called New Zealand.

Near Brown Beach

Brown Beach

View from school

Across the road from school

 I've been down here for two weeks and while they've been low key they've been good. After getting off the plane in Christchurch, I hopped on a shuttle for the two hour drive south to the small town I'm living near, Geraldine. The director of the school picked me up, brought me to the place I'll call home for the next nine months, and promptly filled my empty stomach with fish and chips, a common Kiwi fare. It got a tour of the grounds which was a bit hard to take in considering my jet legged state which soon drove me to bed for a long nights sleep.
We started work on Monday after spending the weekend getting settled in, checking out Geraldine, and getting over jet leg.  These last two weeks have essentially been spent getting the school ready for the students. The school is based out of an old bed and breakfast that is about 100 years old.  The entire school is run out of a the same big building. Everyone, including the staff, lives there, eats there, sleeps there. It sits on a beautiful piece of property with a huge lawn, gardens, and a small creek that runs into a pond. The first week I was here it was only me and two other staff and an intern got here last Friday. Needless to say, its been a pretty quite and low key around here as we don't do much other thant to unwind and relax after work. On top of that, because of the small size of town most everything closes early so it doesn't give the option of getting out. 

Although most of my time has been spent working around the school, I've been able to explore on the weekends. The first weekend here I got to check out the local beach called Browns beach (its only about 15 minutes away). Last weekend us staff took a day trip down to a city called Dunedin which is towards the southern tip of New Zealand. On the way we made two stops: the first at a sandy beach for a picnic complete with chips (as in fish and chips), and the second at a small nature reserve on the coast which included climbing up and down the cliffs near the water and looking for seals and penguins for me to wrestle. The Rugby World Cup is being hosted here in New Zealand, so after arriving in Dunedin our final destination was a rugby match: England vs. Argentina. It was such a blast to be at a game and it was definitely a privilege to go to a World Cup match. American football players have got nothing on these guys. The crowd was fun but I'm a little disappointed they weren't rowdier. This past weekend, I got to do on a quick hike near the school up some small foothills and take in the view of the beautiful farm land that makes up the part of the country that I'm in.

Browns Beach with Timaru in the Distance

Moeraki Boulders

Moeraki Boulders

Moeraki Boulders

Picnic with Staff

Shag Point

Rugby World Cup

View over Geraldine with coast in the distance

I feel so blessed to be down here. Its great to be submerged in a new culture and a new country. The Kiwis are very friendly people and there lifestyle is very simple and laid back. Its refreshing to be in a country that isn't constantly on the go, rushing from one thing to the next.
As a traveler in a new country I've noticed that I'm almost constantly checking out the sights, looking at peoples dress, interactions, behavior, whatever it is with wonder, trying to learn and observe what life is like down here and to soak up every moment of it. I thought the other day, what would it be like to live every day like that, no matter where you were. To approach the world as if every moment was a new experience to take in and learn from, even if it was just another day doing the same thing as every other day.
Students arrived here two days ago. Its a bit nerve wracking taking on the responsibility that came with their arrival, but more than that there is a sense of excitement and eager anticipation of what's in store for this year.  They are an awesome group of people and if these last two days with them are any indication of how the year is going to go, then I think it's going to be a fun year with a lot of depth. The Lord is always at work, calling us into his love, and when people are wanting that work in their lives amazing things are bound to happen. I have no idea where these students are it in their lives, but they've made a decision to travel to New Zealand for a year of Bible school; so, it can be implied that they are searching for something. Its good to know that God is faithful to be found. It's a cool experience to be on the other side of a ministry that has given me so much in the past. I'm looking forward to whats to come.